No matter how hard I try to keep my life at it’s normal pace, it will end up in a miserable situation again and again. Life never seems to be fulfilling. There is always a big empty hole in my life. I can never ever fill up the hole forever in this life.
Being a troublesome child, the one in the family that everyone dislikes and the left out child is really really difficult and painful. It still tear my heart into pieces when I think about family life. Yes there are good times, but there are also real bad times that affect the way I grow up, the way I behave, the way I handle myself when I finally become an adult.
Living in a home for 20 years, where no one in the family can understand me. My parents never put themselves in my shoe and think for me. I’m born with high stubbornness, total emotional person and a dreamer who live life waiting for future to come. Sounds like failure nothing more. These leads my family to always look down at me. Tired overcoming people tearing my confident. My self-confident is also a failure elements in their eyes.
One thing bad about me. When I really want something, I proceed getting it till I get that something I want regardless of wrong or right in doing it. Many did tell me not to do it. I still do it and end up going through a series of suffocating time. If someone stops me, I will take another way round to get what I decided or want. I take the risk, take the responsibility and end up in a terrible living. Believing what I did is right and has it’s fruit in the end.
My parents give me a good support in life. But at times, I hate their poor judgement and understanding. There are times I grow wild and rebellious. Their parental teaching failed in my eyes. Many ways that they can do to make me a better person and to lead a stable life. They failed.
This might sound like blame. But it’s also a strong fact that parents shape their child.
My voices in their ears of how much I want to be successful one day is annoying and pathetically rejected. A hundred of voices of my defendant point of view in life with them. Do I failed at my own view of life?
Can it be everything that I am aiming in life is a wrong? Can it be everything that I have in my mind of who I want to be is a wrong? Can it be my dream is also a wrong? Every time I talk about it, it always seems to be wrong if I am not doing fine in current and there will be no better future at all.
